19 days into the new year, and using the word "exhausting" to describe the past two weeks would be an understatement. So much has happened in the past two weeks. I am just consumed by so much bitterness and anger. I try to be strong, looking for whatever strength I have left. I tried to search in places that were familiar to me, but I just couldn't find anything. 

I guess everyone has their limits. And I may have just passed the limit of my dearest. She is everything that I was not. And she was everything that a Christian person should be even though she isn't one herself. I have let her down, I have hurt and bruised her. And I don't know what to do. 

I am not enough. I will never be enough

Broken, .... 

Incredible India.

I was in Mumbai, India for the past week. And it was an experience of a life time. One would say, India would be the last place that I would go to. But on the contrary, when you're immersed in so much culture, heritage and history, you would want to go back to India as soon as you're back in Singapore. And that is the exact feeling I'm having right now.

I had a childhood dream to go to India since I was 9 years old. I never had a chance to, until now when I am 20 in my second year of my Poly education. It was an amazing experience in incredible India. I never thought that I would enjoy it so much.

India is home to the richest of the rich, and poorest of the poor. My hotel was just located beside a slump, where the poorest of the poor where living. I got to catch a glimpse of what slump life was. And truth be told, the smell was quite appalling. But those Indians living there made the best of what they can. They are friendly people, they would wave and smile to you when they see someone new.  Everything was done outside they bedroom sized homes. From washing to bathing, to cooking, and even chilling.

When asked if one would work for passion or pay. The answer was pay. One would be a doctor or an engineer because of the wages that they would receive. Students study extremely hard over in India. They would study for 6 days a week, and if need be, study all 7 days a week. They do not have the luxury of having to study for 2 hours and then take a break for an hour and go back to studying again. They would study for 8 hours straight if need be. After school bell's ring, they would head home and hit the books. Having a 60% - 70% grade is not enough for them. Even getting 98% would be depressing for any student in India.

One would ask how would you cope with such conditions. Having sit in class with little or no ventilation, having run down facilities on campus and having to travel 2 hours on the minimum to school everyday. The determination of the people there is somewhat astounding.

The rich history of India stretched for more than 2 thousand years. From feudal kingdoms and warlords, to the oppressed rule of the British Empire to the current Republic of India - the largest democracy in the world. The British certainly left its mark in India. Buildings with the British - Gothic designs and architecture can be seen all over the city, monuments erected for King George V, the first British Monarch to India.

There is so much more that I would like to say but I'll just leave with what I have said for now. I'll be back with more. India has certainly left her mark on me, and I will surely miss Incredible India.

I MISS YOU.

Lousy.

Not being able to measure up to anything may be the worse feeling that anyone can feel. It eats you up from the inside out. And there is nothing to stop it. The feeling is like a sinking ship, water keeps pouring in, weighing everything down, pumps try to keep the ship afloat, but not for long.

Maybe the coward's way out would be the best way. Watching a documentary on the suicide forest at the foot of Mount Fuji, Japan - I've come to realize that it takes a lot of someone to end it all. People take days to contemplate whether or not they should end their existence, whether or not everything is worth living for.

What is worth it?

Lyrics are there to help you if you don't listen to this genre.
This song means a hell lot to me. enjoy.

'people who survive the sword will fine favor in the desert.' 
I still remember what You said to me 2 sundays ago. 

I taught them. I felt uneasy.

Wondering how long this can go, I'm starting to push the boundaries of lines that weren't meant to cross. 'why' has always been the question at the end of the day.

My life seems to have taken a strange turn of events. As things start to unravel, and situations before me begin to unfold. I find myself stuck in this rut, a rut that is getting deeper and deeper.  The sick feeling comes over me now and then. I can feel in my gut, in my lungs and in my heart.

The feeling of helplessness is sickening. I am overwhelmed by the feeling of helplessness, and he emotional sickness that I go through everyday.

I have no idea what to do. Not a single clue.

Some much to say.
But so little was articulated.

The feeling of being able to accomplish anything is guilt.
Guilt somehow manages to grow into sometimes else i cant quite put my finger on.

I shall leave it at that.

10:05pm